Monday, November 2, 2015

Black Ops Friday

Jackson Chewing out Trainee Shopper 

Black Friday is about to get a whole lot darker and uglier this year. Ex-marine, Lieutenant John "Take-'em-out" Jackson, is training a group of shoppers in hand-to-hand shopping techniques in expectation of the annual bloodbath that is Black Friday.

The shoppers who have signed up for this expensive course believe that it is money well spent. Felix Wimperoony said, "Last year, a large female traffic cop put me in a stranglehold so that I couldn't speak to the salesgirl. This time I will be able to take her down, no problem."

The Lieutenant told me that at 2300 hours on the Eve of Black Friday he will lower the shoppers from his helicopter onto the  roofs of several shops. There they will blow the hatches of the ventilation shafts using c4 explosives. They have been taught how to camouflage themselves inside the various departments of the stores where they will lie in wait.

I watched as he put them thru their paces. He showed me just how easy it is to trip someone up using the straps of a shopping bag. "Hug the wall!" he shouted, as he showed them how to move quickly thru a large crowd of people. On the desk were the blueprints of every large store in the New York area. Some of the trainee shoppers were in tears as he forced each one of them to run ten times around Messy's department store.

Security at Messy's has been heightened. When I asked a guard there if he was expecting any trouble, he said, "Nothing we can't handle. We always figure to lose a dozen or so customers every year."

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