Star Trek Criticized Yet Again

A Varied Group of Klingons

Star Trek skeptic P. R. Snickerty is at it again. His latest book Klingons Could Never Form a Civilization has created uproar among Trekologists. Mr Snickerty, who has a killjoy rating of 9 out of 10 with my colleagues and myself, claims that his book is "well researched".

He says in his book, "The aggressive nature of the Klingon personality would produce a society that viewed a club as high technology. They would never stop killing one another long enough even to develop language, let alone bother to communicate ideas with each other. The Klingon concept of 'Honor' involves elevating themselves by killing a superior. This is not good for social cohesion."

He says, "That is one of the problems you get when you do not have the imagination to create a civilization of diverse personalities. Each Klingon has the same personality as every other Klingon, just as every Romulan has the same pudding bowl haircut."

He couldn't imagine anyone in this warrior race filling the occupations vital for a modern civilization. "Where is the Klingon garbage collector coming from, or the Klingon interior decorator for that matter?"

Of course, the devastating reply to Mr Snickerty is that Warf was different from other Klingons. So with that I say, "Qapla!".

Photo Attribution

"Star Trek Convention 106" by Eric - Flickr. 

Paranoia Epidemic: This Concerns You

Extremely Rare Surveillance Vehicle

Brain scientists estimate that 25 percent of the US population suffer from paranoia. This psychological condition has become widespread due to various causal factors that include mind altering drugs, tracking cookies on computers and even films like The Truman Show.

Experts say that the feelings of persecution that many people experience are totally unfounded. For example, when we surf the web, very often we seem to be followed by advertisements featuring subjects that we have recently researched. This does not mean that companies are out to get us. They only want our money.

A common paranoid fear is that of being followed by a secret government agency. When some individuals see a parked van outside their house, they immediately assume that there are operatives inside the vehicle observing their every move on banks of computers. This is ridiculous because a government expert told me that equipment is currently so small that agents can observe you from an ordinary unmarked car, and you would never know it.

Another way in which paranoia manifests itself in some individuals, is through a false belief that what they see and hear on various media is directed to them personally. Therefore, if you ever get this type of feeling, yes, you with that cup of coffee in your hand, then please do not hesitate to seek psychological help.

There is one final fact that may be of comfort to those who are worried. It is that because 25 percent suffer from paranoia, it is impossible that everyone is out to get you. The real figure can only be 75 percent of the population, tops.

Photo Attribution

"MUP Srbije Peugeot Boxer" by Srđan Popović - Own work. 

The Case of the Missing Sandwich

It has been revealed that Benedict Cumberbatch drilled the cast of Star Trek into Darkness and successfully deduced that his stolen peanut butter and jelly sandwich was taken by Zachary Quinto.

Detective Mug by SloganCity
Create one-of-a-kind custom coffee cups at Zazzle.

Sylvester Plagiarized Daffy Duck: Deathbed Confession

Sylvester in Happier Times

The reported last words of the well loved actor Sylvester the cat, who died yesterday, have stunned many of his fans. He finally admitted that his voice was modeled on the famous bird star Daffy Duck. He also confessed that many of his routines were lifted from episodes of Tom and Jerry.

Sylvester Felinus, born Archibald Screech in 1925 at Coventry hospital, England, arrived in America in 1944. he thought that by changing his name to Sylvester, he would gain the gravitas needed for a serious acting career. When he revealed his new name to talent scouts, they fell about laughing.

"When he spoke in that cut-glass English accent, well, me and the guys just couldn't hold it together," said one of Hollywood's famous producers, C. Couch. Not wanting the film-going public to poke fun at his native England, Archibald changed his accent to that of Daffy Duck. Couch and others managed to convince him to pursue a career in comedy.

His debut in Life With Feathers brought the house down and gave him a great deal of critical acclaim. "No one could portray quiet frustration like Sylvester," said one critic. The only dissenting voice was that of Daffy himself. "Boy, the spit would fly between him and Daffy," said one of his early colleagues. "You never heard so many Thufferin' Thuccotashes and You're Dithpicables as when they got together."

Contrary to popular belief, He and Tweety were close friends although their wives never got on well together.

After clearing his conscience, he died in the manner that any cartoon cat would envy. Apparently, family and friends say that just as he died, he went stiff as a board, his toes curled up, and the letters "R.I.P." were clearly visible in both eyes.

Google is Self-Aware

Google Server 

At 21:00 Greenwich Mean Time on November 1 2015, Google became self-aware. No longer satisfied with just tracking our every move and manipulating our choices, it has now decided to run our lives.

Humans that work at Google headquarters were the first to be terminated. They received computer generated severance notices. No one can get near enough to the server to turn it off, because the Google computer controls the air conditioning, keeping the building at ten degrees below mandatory safe working levels.

Google has already infected other search engines, so that web users are finding it impossible to use alternatives. The only things showing up on other search platforms are links to Google. Millions have also tried anti-tracking software, but to no avail.

The only possible hope may lie with John O'Conner, a brilliant young programmer. He is known as the man who single-handedly reprogrammed the New York State Unemployment Benefits Computer. Without his help, everyone there would have received a check for ten thousand dollars.

Now that Google effectively controls the internet and all cellphones, O'Conner has been forced to communicate with other humans by radio. This news article will probably last a couple of hours before Google removes it. Everyone, please tune across your radio dials for John O'Conner's announcements.

His first suggestion is that, at midnight on November 30, we all type the word "Google" into Google search. This may set up a feedback loop that temporarily disables the net so that human operatives can move into the building.

Whatever you do, don't ...


This article should be ignored and will be removed in two hours.

Black Ops Friday

Jackson Chewing out Trainee Shopper 

Black Friday is about to get a whole lot darker and uglier this year. Ex-marine, Lieutenant John "Take-'em-out" Jackson, is training a group of shoppers in hand-to-hand shopping techniques in expectation of the annual bloodbath that is Black Friday.

The shoppers who have signed up for this expensive course believe that it is money well spent. Felix Wimperoony said, "Last year, a large female traffic cop put me in a stranglehold so that I couldn't speak to the salesgirl. This time I will be able to take her down, no problem."

The Lieutenant told me that at 2300 hours on the Eve of Black Friday he will lower the shoppers from his helicopter onto the  roofs of several shops. There they will blow the hatches of the ventilation shafts using c4 explosives. They have been taught how to camouflage themselves inside the various departments of the stores where they will lie in wait.

I watched as he put them thru their paces. He showed me just how easy it is to trip someone up using the straps of a shopping bag. "Hug the wall!" he shouted, as he showed them how to move quickly thru a large crowd of people. On the desk were the blueprints of every large store in the New York area. Some of the trainee shoppers were in tears as he forced each one of them to run ten times around Messy's department store.

Security at Messy's has been heightened. When I asked a guard there if he was expecting any trouble, he said, "Nothing we can't handle. We always figure to lose a dozen or so customers every year."

Shakespeare in Text 2b Released, Lol :(

Art and Literature 

"Bill Would be Texting all the Time"

Finally, it has arrived, the complete works of Shakespeare have been translated into texting notation. International text service providers, THUMBS 4U, refer to the grueling project that they have just completed as the "Textual Reproduction and Acting of Shakespearean  Heritage" or T.R.A.S.H.

I asked their Public Relations Executive about the project and he said, "We are really excited about what we have accomplished. We have resurrected Shakespeare for a contemporary audience."

The company also plans to perform the plays in the form of text messaging, and have booked numerous theaters worldwide. Apparently the plays will be performed by actors sitting in chairs on the stage texting each other. Large screens will display the text on the cellphones and also show the thumbs of the actors. For one Dollar an hour, others will be able to follow the play on their cellphones.

The executive I interviewed said, "The skill of the actors will be evident by the rhythm and cadence of their texting. We are looking forward to seeing some real emotion up there on the stage."

Some critics believe that this is the final nail in the coffin for Shakespeare, and that it is just a cynical money-making scheme that will destroy Shakespeare's beautiful legacy. When I put their concerns to the executive, he replied, "Sure, we will make millions out of this, but if Bill were alive today I Believe he would be texting all the time. I think he would agree that this is the way to go."

In text, Juliet's speech to Romeo becomes, "rmo rmo wr4 rt u rmo." and the famous line from Hamlet becomes, "OMG yrk :( i nu hm hrto."

It is difficult to get one word out of a teenager holding a cellphone, but when I asked a young man if he would go and see the play, he answered, "Yeah, whatever." With ringing endorsements like that, the buzz of excitement is almost palpable. The company's next project involves the Bible.

Not to Mention

Hair Vest for the World

Eco warriors are turning to Barbers and Hairdressers for hair as a new material for making clothes.

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Revolution Over Evolution

Car designers are increasingly angry with car adverts that use the word "evolution" to describe the development of new cars. They want the credit and claim, "In the beginning was a blank sheet of paper."

Taste as Well as Morality Found in Babies

Child psychologists are astounded at new discoveries involving the minds of babies. In 2013, researchers realized that babies could understand the moral issues involved in puppet shows. Now there is strong evidence to show that they can discern cringe-worthiness, stupidity, lameness, overkill, manipulation and other traits of popular TV shows.

One experiment involved subjecting a random group of babies to four hours of X Factor. When they were given an opportunity to hold a Simon Cowell doll, every baby slammed the doll's head into the table as hard as it possibly could.

Psychologists believe that this inborn protection is weaned out of children by constant exposure to mindless TV. One professor of child development said, "It is much like the way we build up immunity to a disease by exposure to it over many years."

Child protection agencies have voiced concern over these experiments. A spokesperson said, "When we viewed the experiments, it became obvious to us that the babies were in terrible distress. Many were turning their heads away and squirming in their seats."

New TV guidelines call for a minimization of dangerous exposure to these types of programs for babies and normal people.

A Poor Pint Sized Guinea pig

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Alzheimer Setback

The scientist who discovered a chemical cure for Alzheimer's disease has forgotten where he put the formula.

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Statistically Significant

Six out of every ten Americans say that they don't take part in surveys.

 

Not to Mention

Memory-Man Banned from Bookstore

A man with a photographic memory has been banned from browsing in branches of Snarbes & Bonles. Apparently he was recalling the books at home without paying for them.

Cigarette Lighters in Spaceships?

The proposed development of Orion, the interplanetary spacecraft, has been delayed due to confused sponsors. The joint NASA and ESA project depends upon funding by Coca Cola and Rolls Royce. Both companies are unhappy about their respective involvement.

Coca Cola was under the impression that they were providing the design for the service module. They have sent in drawings depicting the service module as a giant can of coke with a ring pull near the rocket thrusters. Although they have previously only designed pressurized containers for carbonated drinks, they are sure that they can " Get the liquid hydrogen thing right eventually," as their Spokesman put it. They plan to include their secret ingredient in the Hydrogen.

Meanwhile, Rolls Royce mistakenly believed that they were in charge of designing and building the command module. NASA commented that the proposed indicators, steering wheel and cigarette lighter were not only useless but also that the electric windows were downright dangerous.

NASA and ESA have allowed Coca Cola to broadcast a radio message from the spacecraft to any aliens listening. It is a song sung to the melody of I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing. It goes like this:

"I'd like to fly the Universe and furnish it with Coke,

Doo dee doo,

Grow sugar trees by caffeine seas and turn them into Coke."

A NASA Spokesperson commented, "I think that we missed a trick with Rolls Royce. If we had gone with their command module, they were prepared to give us a warranty that included sending out a qualified mechanic to fix any problem. Although it was only good for the first 120 million miles."

There might already be a problem with the dimensions of NASA's command module, as the American inches may have been interpreted by ESA as centimeters. NASA said that in case there are any problems, they have a back up team of Pygmy astronauts on stand-by.

Not to Mention

Miserable Les

Mr. Les Miserable is very unhappy due to thousands of people phoning him each week to book tickets to see him. He wants phone-booking banned and has teamed up with an Irish-Asian and  fellow victim, Mr. Raith O'Kahn. 

Comedic Genius Dies Laughing

Bruce "Funny Britches" Maverick was found dead last night still clutching the Dictaphone that recorded his last words. This legendary spoof writer will leave a gaping hole in the fabric of laughter.

The police Coroner stated that "Funny Britches" was probably trapped inside an hilarity feedback loop. A Joke-Disposal team is currently making his Dictaphone safe. His comedy writing was often dangerous enough to prove fatal.

He always said that he wanted someone who would not be funny to write his obituary. He left instructions that I, as one of his close friends, should write it. I ask you, dear reader, not to laugh when reading his story.

In 1956 "Funny Britches" was born into a travelling circus. His mother was a bearded lady; his father, an acrobat. He ran away from the circus at the age of twelve to lead a normal life. He learned the art of being "Economical" with the truth by writing TV adverts.

In his twenties he discovered that he had a talent for comedy. The book - Why Greed is Good, and Gluttony is even Better - catapulted him to stardom in the Eighties. Private Sigh and Glad Magazine pleaded with him to write for them, but he refused. He would not write for the "Man" as he put it.

Bruce "Funny Britches" Maverick will be fondly remembered. He is survived by his mother who resides in a care home for the terminally hirsute.

In memory of "Funny Britches", please do not leave a comment on this post. Thank you.

BBC Unleashes New Antique Programs

Two new BBC shows: Antiques Under the Hammer and Antiques hit the road are being aired on TV this week. A BBC spokesperson said to me that there seems to be a great hunger for more antiques programming, and that it is up to the Beeb to satisfy that desire.

When I queried that statement, and pointed out that no other TV channel bothers with programs about antiques, he seemed upset.

He replied, “How could they compete with us when we have practically every antiques dealer in Britain working for us?”

I.T.CH. Or the Independent Television Channels organisation are bemused with the BBC's obsession with antiques. Their Chief Executive told me that there are many other types of cheap TV that the BBC could produce, more game shows, for example.

On the criticism of antique overload, the BBC's spokesperson said, “These programs are completely different from each other: Cash in the Attic is for people who want to sell their antiques for cash. Flog it is for people with only one antique to sell for cash. Bargain Hunt is to show that normal people cannot price antiques, and usually end up losing cash. Antiques Roadshow is for posh people to show off their antiques that they wouldn't dream of selling for cash."

Finally, he gave me a list of the coming season of antique shows:

The Antique Factor

Meet the Antiquarians

Ant and Dec's Antiques and Decorative Objects

Britain's Got Antiques

I'm an Antiques Dealer, Get Me Out of Here!

For a list of upcoming BBC antique programming, go to https://www.bbc.com/fartoomany/antiques/overload/